if you are a pyrotechnic, professional arsonist, Hollywood stunt coordinator, or a mutant superhero, this isn’t for you. Everyone else, take a read.

 

Here are The Best Reasons Not to Blow Up on The 4^th of July.

You don’t want blood in the potato salad.

You want to be able to lift your kid and kiss your loved one goodnight. You have no hands, no lips.

You will miss your face in the mirror, now that you look like a leftover meatloaf.

You can’t pick your nose, scratch any itch, nor wipe your ass.

All smoothies, all the time. Liquid steaks. Pureed pizza. Tasty puke.

You’ll never win NASCAR.

You’ll never jerk off again.

You can’t wave hello, salute, shave, or give another driver the finger. Nor drive.

You can’t lock your windows or doors. Can’t open in case of fire. Nor save the cat.

You can’t intimidate your kids pimply prom date. He’ll pity you.

When your gets mad, she locks you in the car at the grocery store. You can’t roll a window down, or unlock the door.

Forget playing baseball, for that matter, also football. Actually any sport with balls, or running.

So for this 4th of July, if you love yourself, leave the fireworks to the professionals.